Are they your real kids?

Ah, the questions people ask, and think they have every right to ask. Adoptive parents have dealt with these questions for ages.

How you respond is up to you. Some people truly don’t know that the question that they are asking is offensive, or can be seen as rude. Others are just downright nosy.

One easy way to deal with this question is to ask “Why do you want to know?” They may be interested in foster care or adoption themselves, or it may help them to realize that they have asked a rude question.

If you adopt transracially, you may get questions about your child’s paternity. Things like “Are you married to her father?”

Formulate responses to questions, so that you are prepared when someone asks. Here are answers to some common questions that can help to extinguish other questions, or help establish that you are a family.

Q. Where did she come from?
A. From her mother. From God.

Q. What is he? (usually referring to race)
A. My son. My child. A gift from God.

Q. Did her mother do drugs?
A. No, I did not.

Q. Is he you real child?
A. Yes, he is a very real part of our family.

Q. How much did you pay for her?
A. She’s worth more than I could have ever paid.

Q. Are they “real” brother and sister? (usually referring to all of your children)
A. They are now.

These are just some samples to help you craft your own answers. Being prepared with answers will help you when the time comes.

Using Positive Adoption Language

Positive language	Negative language
Birthparent	Real parent
Biological parent	Natural parent
Birth child	Own child
My child	Adopted child; Own child
Born to unmarried parents	Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights	Give up
Make an adoption plan	Give away
To parent	To keep
Waiting child	Adoptable child; Available child
Biological father	Begetter
Making contact with	Reunion
Parent	Adoptive parent
International adoption	Foreign adoption
Adoption triad	Adoption triangle
Permission lo sign a release	Disclosure
Search	Track down parents
Child placed for adoption	An unwanted child
Court termination	Child taken away
Child with special needs	Handicapped child
Child from abroad	Foreign child
Was adopted	Is adopted