Getting started, Page 2

Many of us who went into the process, went into this with great optimism, and little research or knowledge. I clearly remember reading my son’s case file and thinking “he’s a ‘normal’ kid, just kicked up a few notches” and thinking that love and stability was all he needed. I couldn’t have been further off. The trauma that special needs children come with is real and difficult. Ignoring that trauma will only create a more volatile environment in your home.

Imagine you are in a happy, committed relationship. One day your partner comes home and says to you “Honey, I can’t be with you anymore, but I have found someone who wants to take care of you. You are going to move.” Would you do so willingly, and without regret, sadness, or trepidation?

Now, imagine that you have been with this new partner and you have begun to learn to trust again. Just when you are able to trust, the same thing happens again. What are your feelings going to be this time?

Now, imagine that this happens five, ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty, forty times, and each time your stay with the new partner becomes shorter and shorter. Are you going to be willing to trust? Will you start to exhibit less than desirable behaviors as a way to guard yourself? Would you open your heart to the next person to come along, without any hesitation or reservations? Will you try to push the other person away before they can push you away?

We are adults. This is a difficult concept for us to handle, or accept, and yet, we are asking children to do just that. Adapt to a new home, and new parents at a moment’s notice. Give their hearts fully and completely to the next family that comes along.

These children are hurt and wounded, mentally, and sometimes, physically. They have already lost their birth parents, and possibly siblings, or other family members who have been important to them. They have learned loss and pain at a very young age.

When you read a child’s profile, you will probably become angry, but keep in mind, that many children still love their birthparents. Respect your child’s feelings for those birthparents. Without them, this child would not be in the world. Voicing your anger about a birth parent to a child, can lead to resentment by the child.

One little girl was angry with her adoptive mother for “taking her away” from her birth mother. This little girl had been physically abused and neglected in her birth home and horribly sexually abused by several different men before she was 4 years old, but still holds anger toward her adoptive mother, because she is the one who picked her up and drove her to her new adoptive home, where she is with her biological siblings.

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© Excerpted from Adoption.com Guide to Foster Adoption, published by Adoption Media, LLC

Credits: Kelly L. Killian